Frontlines: The Latest from OutServe-SLDN

10 Holiday Tips for Partners of Lesbian and Gay Soldiers

For the wives and husbands of service members stationed abroad, the holidays can be as challenging as they are joyous. For the partners of lesbian, gay and bisexual service members those challenges are often multiplied because of "Don't Ask Don't Tell." Because of this fact, we have asked diversity expert, Trey Malicoat to share with us some suggestions on how the partners of gay and lesbian service members can celebrate the holidays without succumbing to the holiday blues.

1. Remember the rituals and traditions and keep them. If you normally have friends and family over for a meal, do it this year too. Set a special place at the table for your partner and offer a toast in their. Ask your guests to share a funny story about your partner and share the evening with the “spirit” of the one you love. Let people know it is ok to talk about your partner, to ask about him or her. 2. Surround yourself with caring friends and family! Plan outings and get-togethers. Play games, cook meals, decorate -- just because you are away from your lover doesn’t mean you can’t keep them alive in your heart. 3. Buy or make a gift for your loved one and then find a special place in your home to display it. Place their photo by the gift and write a note of love and appreciation that you attach to the gift. If your loved one is on an extended tour and you do not know when they'll return, place special notes and gifts in the same place: a Christmas gift, a Valentine's note, a Birthday present. Tell your partner about the display and how when they return the two of you can celebrate by opening each gift. 4. If you are anticipating a lonely holiday, offer to volunteer at a local charity. Check your local phone book to find a place to serve. If you are unable to find someone to serve, go to the local gay or lesbian bar, but DON’T plan on getting drunk! Go with the intention of sharing a little hope with other lonely people. Take a pocketful of candy canes and give them away as a conversation opener. Who knows, you might just meet a new friend. Feel the freedom too, to talk about your partner at war. You can honor your loved one by sharing them with others. 5. Make a special ornament for your partner. If you are not crafty ask for help, pick up a magazine with craft ideas, or invite a crafty friend to help you. You can make a photo collage or write a love note. If you are completely stuck, spend a few hours shopping for a special ornament that symbolizes your love for your partner. 6. If the holiday tradition thing doesn’t work for you, plan to fill the days with lots of activity. Clean out your closets, organize your photos, clean the garage --bottom line, get yourself out of bed and do something! Talk to friends, take a walk, go to the mall, or see a movie. 7. Make a memory CD with all your favorite music or photos that make you feel good. Share the CD with friends and family and send a copy to your lover in the field. As you listen to the music, think about the good and the bad times you and your partner have had. Think about why you are together and what you will do when you see your lover again. 8. Put the word out for the strays! Tell your friends and family that you plan on opening your home for the holiday meal, set the time and assign pieces of the meal to others who attend to come. Set the stage for what people can expect...“I have invited an eclectic group of friends who really don’t know each other. We are all strays who need a place to spend the holiday and so we are going to make the best of it. We will have a great pot luck meal, drink some wine, and get to know each other. Who knows, we might even develop some new friendships!” 9. Don’t let grief and sorrow get the best of you. Shed tears and express your feelings. Know that grief and sorrow only last a moment, then you will have an opportunity for joy. Anticipate times in the day when grief is most powerful (late at night, or in the morning) and change your routine. If you get lonely at night, join a book club or call a friend. If the mornings are difficult, go to the gym or sit in a coffee shop and read the paper. When grief hits, grab a journal and write. Read your previous entries and look for times when you survived your sorrows. 10. Walk down memory lane -- often. Look at photo albums, listen to music you and your partner love, think about the good and the hard times. When tears flow, let them. Feeelings need to be expressed. They will come out through your tears, your words, your writing, your art. The goal is to get the pain out.

Keeping the home fires burning is a difficult and often lonely experience, especially during holidays. Just remember to take care of yourself as you would hope that your partner is taking care of themselves. When they return, you will have much to share with one another! Happy Holidays! -Victor Maldonado -----

12-21-07