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In the Shadow of DADT: Anonymous Letter of an Air Force Captain’s Partner

I am proud to be in a committed relationship with my partner, a captain in the United States Air Force. I could not be more proud of his leadership and dedication to his work and the United States. At work, I am able to be open and proud of who I am and introduce my partner to my employees and colleagues.

At my job, he and I are accepted and even appreciated for the strength that our diversity provides. As a partner to a military captain there are many challenges I have to face that heterosexual couples do not. I cannot call my partner at work, or visit the base without being subject to a litany of questions and being sponsored. Visiting the base makes me worried that my presence will have a negative effect on my partner’s job.

We live two lives most of the time: Our open lives with our gay and straight friends who support and love us, and then his other life. His other life being troops that want him to go to straight bars, discuss girls and make fag jokes then expect him to carry on and laugh. I see the sadness and frustration in his face when he realizes that troops are making fun of gays and they do not know that he is one.

I see the sadness in his face that he cannot show his pride for our relationship and how our committed relationship is just as good as anyone else’s. I am angry and bewildered when I see the anger, frustration and sadness in his face. Congress should be appalled by the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law, which keeps upstanding, dedicated and talented military men and women in the shadows because they’re gay.

It is surprising that the military brass sleep at night knowing that there are people like me who lie awake at night wondering what will happen if something goes wrong at work, who will call me or will anyone. I don’t know if I would be able to see him if he is in the hospital and I wonder who is going to protect him from our own troops if some crazed member of the unit discovers he and I are partners.

I will never forget going to lunch one afternoon with my partner. He wanted to take me to this cool deli. When we arrived the entire place was full of troops from the base and I was the ONLY one not in fatigues. I was wearing a t-shirt and trend torn jeans and I froze. I didn’t know what to do to or say. I believed all eyes were on me and by being on me those eyes were on him. I feared that one wrong word or slight body language would “out “him and end his career or get him hurt. I told him I’d wait in the car and in the car I cried in frustration at my own fear and cowardice. Being in a situation like the deli was the first time I have felt such fear that, me, the person who is so proud to be gay, froze.

I have never worried that someone I love could actually lose their job or get hurt because of their love for me. This brings me more pain than imaginable, and outrage for the sheer stupidity of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Soon my partner will be in the Middle East and all I think about is how I will stay informed about what is happening with him. Unlike other military spouses, I do not get to participate in base activities or support groups. I have to count on my partner to shoulder that burden from across the world, to ensure I hear from him and that if the military calls me I’m sure to say “I’m his friend.”

It is shameful that he should have to shoulder that heavy burden while focusing on the task at hand and that the military would make it so hard and awkward to reach out for support. I think the same fears that any military spouse feels when they know their loved one is in harm’s way. I know the same pride of any military spouse when we know that our loved one is serving our country to guard our liberty and freedom.

On Independence Day, I reflected on how lucky we are to be in the United States, how proud I am of men and women who serve our country. I took joy in being proud to be an American. I believe the silent partners deserve medals for their bravery. It is just a shame that our military doesn’t take the same pride in ALL their troops and the silent partners who wait patiently, lovingly, and proud in the shadows.

Gays and lesbians and their partners are effected by all the turmoil and ignorance this law causes. I love my captain.

This anonymous letter was also published on the WeGiveADamn blog in July.

09-02-10 By Paul DeMiglio, Senior Communications Manager |